Colorado Rockies adopt Amazon palm scan tech for buying beer
It’s not enough that Big Tech has our personal information, facial scan, bank records, and thumbprint, but now Amazon wants you to scan your palm in order to expedite the booze-buying process at large events. Colorado Rockies fans can now go to Coors Field, and instead of the lengthy process of showing their ID, swiping/inserting/tapping a credit card, or paying in cash, they can literally just slap their hand down and grab a beer with the other one.
While I’m assuming it’s a little more involved than grabbing a ham-and-cheese from the Hudson’s at DIA, it’s still not as easy as the old way. I’m serious. Do you know how much faster lines would move if everyone paid in cash?
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But no. We have advancements in technology that must be utilized because some assclown over at Amazon developed hand-hovering automation.
Technology being rolled out at Coors Field
“Our team continually innovates to improve the customer experience, and age verification is the latest way we’re solving a customer pain point,” said Dilip Kumar, v ice p resident of AWS Applications. “Fans no longer need to fumble for their wallet and ID. Instead, they can quickly confirm their age and make their purchase with just a hover of their palm. At Coors Field, this will help fans get back to the game faster, and we look forward to rolling this feature out to additional establishments in the coming months.”
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The number of times I’ve stumbled around with digital boarding passes, finicky credit card machines, or automated answering services are innumerable. All I want is a uniform process for buying beer that doesn’t require giving my personal information to Dr. Evil’s test tube baby.
And it’s not going to prevent underage drinking. Have you met a teenager recently? If an 18-year-old can steal $600,000 from DraftKings, they can fake a handprint.
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The only way Amazon is getting more of my data is by a loogie reader that detects the DNA I just hocked into the awaiting spit-dometer. I would be even more incentivized if Bezos’ smiling face was on the target I’m supposed to spew on/at. Hopefully, vomit, piss, shit, and semen are able to get me a $14 Banquet beer. Maybe they can add a colon cancer screening to the in-game experience.
There are infinitely better, more useful ideas that should’ve been brought to life before a palm-reading device that lets you buy beer quicker. Like an extra asshole on your elbow, nobody has, or ever will, ask for this. Fuck you, Amazon. Fuck you, fuck you, a million times, fuck you.
Source: Deadspin
