I'm tired of my boyfriend doing all the cooking and cleaning for me.

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I'm tired of my boyfriend doing all the cooking and cleaning for me.

Slate

July 02, 2023

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Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns.

Dear Prudence,

I love my boyfriend, “Max,” but am becoming increasingly worried that we’re incompatible. We’ve been together four years, living together for two. Max struggles to express his emotions and shows his love through “acts of service.” He cleans our home and cooks most of our meals, and if he knows I’m shopping for a bookshelf, he builds it for me. Caring for me makes him feel good and like he “deserves” me. The trouble is that I sometimes enjoy making my own lunch, I want to contribute to our household, and I sometimes like to buy things with my money. I also want to be told I’m loved, that I’m attractive, that he values me. I feel like a jerk comparing us, because I have a much easier time expressing my emotions, but it frustrates me that even when I prompt him (which I’d be happy doing), Max doesn’t really reciprocate compliments. Like I said: I love Max. The thought of ending our relationship is devastating. But recently a co-worker, Jeremy, paid me several compliments over a Zoom call, and I developed a brief but intense crush on him because it felt so good. Max is amazing, but I don’t know if we are compatible. I don’t know if I’m being selfish or acknowledging that two people can be great but not great for each other. Sometimes I feel hollow and don’t think I can live the rest of my life with this ache. Am I being selfish?

I’ve reread this letter a few times looking for something selfish. But here’s all I could come up with: You love your boyfriend, you both look for practical ways to care for each other, you felt good when someone else paid you a compliment, and you’re hurt because the boyfriend you love doesn’t talk about his feelings with you very often, if at all. You haven’t described a single selfish act here—just a series of feelings. I’ve grumbled in the past about the ways “love languages” gets in the way of real intimacy by conflating something as serious as “My partner won’t tell me he loves me or say he likes my hair once in a while” with “My boyfriend is a bookcase-building robot who is only capable of demonstrating affection through the medium of chores.” But love languages aren’t some innate quality fixed in our hearts at birth. They’re a made-up shorthand for different forms of connection. Max may be a great person, but if you regularly ache and feel hollow because he can’t or won’t share his feelings with you, all the bookcases and perfectly cooked lunches in the world aren’t going to make a difference, and you’re not denying some intrinsic part of who he is as a person by saying, “This isn’t working for me anymore.”

If you don’t want to break up with him over this, and he’s receptive to the idea of change, you may find couples counseling a useful option as you two reevaluate the basis of your connection and he works to find new ways to open up. But if you tell him that you’re starved for emotional intimacy, for hearing “I love you,” and for verbal affirmation, and his only response is “Sorry, I can only do acts of service,” it’s not selfish to say, “I can’t live that way.”—Danny M. Lavery

From: Help! I Just Found Out the Guy I’ve Been Sexting With for Years Is Married. (Aug. 22, 2020)

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Dear Prudence,

About six weeks ago my husband and I received an anonymous email that said we should check out what our daughter-in-law was posting on an Internet forum we’d never heard of. We were given a link and her username. We were shocked to discover she was spending vast amounts of work time posting to this forum. More upsetting was what she was posting about us and our son. We have been generous financially and otherwise to them and their children, but according to her posts she resents us and thinks we are “interfering.” We don’t think we are, and we’ve never had our offers refused. Worse is how she talks online about our son. He is very helpful around the house and she acknowledges he gets the kids ready for day care most mornings, plays with them after work, then works in the evening at home to advance his career. Despite this, she gripes about him and details the ways he annoys her. Perhaps the very worst is finding out she has a rather unsavory past, including phone-sex work, drug addiction, and embezzlement. We knew nothing of this, but she mentions these things without a trace of guilt or embarrassment on the forum. Do we say anything to our son about what we’ve discovered? There is a part of me that would love to just ignore all we’ve learned and try to maintain a good relationship with her because we love our son and grandchildren, but my husband has been steaming about our son being “taken” by someone we suddenly realize may not be a very nice person.

It’s a poor idea to grouse incessantly in a public forum, even if anonymously, with identifiable details about your in-laws and your husband. However, if in between posting her complaints, your daughter-in-law is able to attend to her work duties, this foolish way of blowing off steam is a misdemeanor. I admit I don’t get it, but lots of people, especially those who have come of age in the Internet age, are pretty casual about posting private things online. But then you got to the part about her essentially boasting about a history of drug addiction and embezzlement, and the scary staccato violin music started playing in the background. However, you give no indication that until you started reading her confessions you had any inkling about your daughter-in-law’s past or worries about her character. In the absence of compelling, current information that she is back on drugs or engaged in financial shenanigans, I think you need to stay out of this. Consider that it’s likely the whistle-blower (or snitch) would have also contacted your son, so he might already be privately weighing this information. But if he doesn’t know and you bring this to his attention, it has the potential to seriously destabilize their marriage. That could end up with you two cut out of your grandchildren’s lives, which would be terrible for everyone. You’ve now had your eyes opened, so keep them that way, while holding your tongue unless something alarming requires you to speak.—Emily Yoffe

From: Help! Our Daughter-in-Law Is a Former Phone-Sexing Embezzling Drug Addict Who Hates Us. (March 19, 2015)

Dear Prudence,

My husband of eight years was briefly married previously. He got a divorce when she got pregnant with another man’s baby. He doesn’t talk about her much, but when he does, he speaks disparagingly. For as long as I’ve known him he has mentioned that she texts him periodically to tell him how much she regrets her choices, that he’s better than her current boyfriend, or, oddly enough, that she wants my husband to be her children’s godfather. Her messages always end in her asking him to come over and have a beer with her that evening. He never takes her up on her offers but always offers a specific excuse as to why he can’t (work, previous plans, etc.). My husband is a flirty guy, and I have no problem with that in general. I also don’t mind that he has maintained friendships with a number of his ex-girlfriends. Her messages with him bug me, though. I spoke with him about it last year and told him that it feels disrespectful to me for her to say the sorts of things she does and then invite him—and only him—to drink with her. He responded by assuring me that she means nothing to him and that he likes the feeling of her chasing after him after what she did.

This week I was using his laptop when a message popped up. Forgetting I wasn’t on my own computer, I opened it. It was a text from the ex. I was about to close it and move on when I realized she was responding to a message he had initiated. He opened with a flirty greeting, told her he was thinking about her, and then, when she once again asked him over, responded by saying that he couldn’t that night but soon. I told him what I saw and he responded as if I were being clingy and possessive. He told me he doesn’t think it’s wrong for him to have fond memories of her (neither do I—that wasn’t the point), that I was misunderstanding his greeting (it was silly, not flirty!), and that I shouldn’t be upset because he declined her invitation. I know for certain they haven’t seen each other in person for at least four years, so I’m not worried about some sort of affair, but am I wrong to have my feelings hurt by this? He has definitely insinuated that I’m overreacting.

To recap your husband’s position: Baby, I have nothing but contempt for my ex. I think she’s a loser, and I enjoy the sense of power I feel whenever she begs me to come have a beer and stand godfather to her latest kid. Watching her fall all over herself to try to win my approval gives me a thrill when nothing else can. This is a healthy, appropriate relationship to have with an ex, and you should definitely think of it as mere flirtatiousness and not a weird, cruelty-tinged power game at all. Ah, you’ve seen my latest messages to her, about how much I’ve been thinking of her and can’t wait to see her soon? Well, how clingy of you. Also, you don’t know how to parse the word Hello, and you’re only allowed to be upset with me if I’m actually at her house.

The problem was never that your husband had “fond” memories of an ex—the problem was that he seemed to pride himself on maintaining a relationship with someone he despised, went out of his way to disparage to you, and strings along with repeated promises that they’ll get together soon. And he lies to you about the nature and tone of their conversations, then compounds that lie by claiming he’s simply always been “fond” of her when he’s actually gone out of his way to convince you he thinks she’s pathetic. It’s an insult to your intelligence, and you have every reason to be hurt by it.—Danny M. Lavery

From: Help! I Broke Up With My COVID Truther Girlfriend. Now She Wants Me Back. (Sept. 15, 2020)

Dear Prudence,

A good friend, “Liz” and I went to the same college, where we developed a very close-knit group of friends. Liz and our friend “Greg” drunkenly hooked up freshman year, and Liz developed a bit of an infatuation, though Greg did not return those feelings. Now we’re all juniors and Liz is seeing the same guy she resorted to after Greg. Unexpectedly, Greg and I developed strong feelings for each other, and we really would like to have an honest relationship, but we fear how our friends will react to being left in the dark, especially since we have long discouraged relationships in the circle, and I especially fear losing Liz as a friend. On one hand, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Greg knowing how she felt, but on the other, it’s been two years, she has a boyfriend she seems content with, and that should leave Greg as fair game. I feel like I have to make a choice between my best friends and a man that I could really see myself being with, and I’m not sure which I would rather give up.

I understand that romance within a gang alters the dynamic. But for goodness’ sake, how are young people supposed to get experience at intimate relationships (beyond being friends with benefits) and find people with whom to have these relationships if coupling up is verboten? You are all young adults, so you do not need permission from the group to pursue your attraction. Liz had an unfortunate one-night stand with Greg. This does not make Greg her subject, and no one has to seek Liz’s permission to date Greg. You and Greg should do what you want, and see how you feel. You’ll know when it’s time for the big reveal, and let’s hope when it comes, the group just says, mazel tov! But if Liz wants to have a snit, she should talk out her hurt feelings with her own boyfriend.—Emily Yoffe

From: Help! My Husband Won’t Stop Making Crude Jokes in Front of Me. (July 15, 2014)

I'm tired of my boyfriend doing all the cooking and cleaning for me.

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