My boyfriend demands we split everything evenly but I just saw his bank account
Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m a woman who just moved in with my boyfriend of two years. We’re in our 30s, we live in a major U.S. city, and we each earn an annual income of $110,000. However, as a first-generation college graduate, I have $45,000 of student debt left to pay off. I paid off $20,000 last year, which I’m proud of—but because I’m trying to knock out the debt, I don’t have savings beyond my 401(k), and my credit score is just “good.”
Advertisement
On the flip side, my boyfriend has no debt, excellent credit, and insists that he is independent from his (wealthy) parents. We pay 50/50 for rent, groceries, and going out, we split the housework evenly, and we share dreams of starting a family in the next few years. Here’s the catch: My otherwise frugal boyfriend wants to splurge on our home and believes that because we earn the same salary, I should meet him in the middle for the high-end art and furniture he desires. This is how I found out he had way more money than he ever let on—like, half a million dollars. I saw his account balance when he handed me his phone and told me to send myself his share of the cost for a dining room set. I was stunned, but chose to say nothing—we’re not married, I make good money, and I don’t think he owes me his savings.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
But I’ve been 100 percent transparent about my finances while he has not, which is why I couldn’t believe he recently had the nerve to lecture me about “saving up more” because I refused to go Dutch on a $2,500 couch. I told him that “our financial pictures are not the same,” and that he needs to lower his standards or buy the big-ticket items himself. Now I’m not just fuming—I’m worried! How would we handle a job loss or children? Should I tell him what I know? And how should we manage expenses moving forward?
—Writing a Reality Check
Dear Reality Check,
Wow. You’re right, your boyfriend may not owe you his savings, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have more empathy about your financial situation. Coming from different backgrounds (despite earning the same salary) is likely leading to some disconnect.
Advertisement
It’s no secret that people who have or come from wealth often think differently than those who don’t. He may be keeping his wealth a secret for fear that you’d take advantage of him, which may be why he insists on keeping everything at a 50/50 split. Or he could just be cheap. But whatever the reason, you both need to get on the same page before you continue to get more serious about your relationship. If he’s telling you it’s your fault you can’t help fund his interior designer dreams when you’ve got loans to prioritize, that’s not right.
Advertisement
Make a list of everything that is bothering you about this situation: the reason it made you upset, and how you feel now. It could include things like: “He expected me to buy a $2,500 couch when he knows I’m in debt. That money could help cover multiple loan payments. I feel angry that he thinks I don’t save enough knowing my current circumstances.” After you’ve made your list, sit down to speak to him and share your concerns. Remind him of your financial priorities, and then hear him out, too. Don’t forget to ask why you need to go Dutch on his priorities when you do not ask him to go half on yours. You’re not asking him to help pay down your debt.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Moving forward, do not agree to pay for half of his expensive whims unless you benefit from it and want to. Set a firm budget of what you’re willing to pay. Check in routinely about where your financial priorities are by going on a money date. And make sure you ask him how sees you both handling situations like children and job loss. Find one evening a month where you can both comfortably go over your spending, the bills, and what your goals look like for the next month. This can give you both time to openly discuss your money to get on the same page.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Need Parenting Advice?
For questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try submitting to Care and Feeding!
Advertisement
Dear Pay Dirt,
I (32F) bought a house in my early-20s after my father died. Some family members convinced me it made sense at the time, but I moved for work a few years ago and am not the type of person who wants to get into real estate investing. I have ADHD, medical debt, and a couple of jobs literally thousands of miles away from this house. It’s time to sell! The problem is, I keep having to put credit card charges to pay for every step of the way and it’s adding up! How do I know when it’s best to take out a home equity loan or line of credit, or if I should just grin and bear the heavy debt for another month or two while preparing to sell?
Advertisement
—I’m Glad My Homeowning Dreams Died
Dear Homeowning Dreams,
Good for you in knowing that homeownership isn’t right for you at this point in your life. Instead of taking on an additional credit card debt, apply for a home equity line of credit (HELOC) immediately. One HELOC loan looks a lot better on your credit report than multiple credit cards carrying a balance (and your interest rate will likely be lower). Once you’ve secured the loan, pay off all of your credit cards and then purchase any additional expenses you’re incurring to help sell your home. You can repay the loan with the proceeds from the sale of your house and move forward without this property holding you back.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Want more Pay Dirt every week? Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear Pay Dirt,
For many years my spouse and I have mailed birthday cards with money or gift cards to our nieces and nephews. However, since my brother’s divorce, we no longer have a relationship with them and do not receive acknowledgment of the gift. The kids also receive extravagant gifts from his ex-wife’s wealthy family, so it feels pointless to give an amount that would seem to mean nothing to them. Is it rude to just send a card without money, even though we continue to give it to our other nieces and nephews?
—Want to Be Fair Aunt and Uncle
Dear Want to Be Fair,
Advertisement
I think it’s very kind of you to send your nieces and nephews a gift for their birthdays, no matter how small the amount may be. In this case, I don’t think you’re being rude by sending a card without the cash.
First, no one is entitled to a gift from you. You’re giving because you’re generous and want to be fair (which is excellent and thoughtful). However, you no longer have a relationship with them, and when you do send a gift, they don’t acknowledge it. They (and their families) are the ones being rude in this situation. Feel free to send a card and split the cash you would have given them among your other nieces and nephews with who you have a relationship instead.
—Athena
More Advice From Slate
My mother died last fall after a battle with cancer. My father is 76 and a working psychiatrist. He was devoted to my mom for over 50 years but began a relationship with a co-worker within two months of her death. I want him to be happy, but he is acting like my mom died years ago and not a few months ago.
Source: Slate
