I thought my boyfriend and I were on the same page about our future. Yikes.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and last week I casually asked him about our future.
I asked if he ever wanted children. I don’t—I’ve never felt a calling to it. He does, though, it turns out. “Eventually,” he said. He didn’t ask me if I did. I love him more than anything, and I kind of thought we were on the same page about this. We both enjoy the dual income no kids lifestyle! I realize it doesn’t matter that much right now because we’re only 26, but I just feel confused about what to do. Older women tell me I’ll change my mind about having kids, that the biological clock will kick in. But who knows if that’s true? I feel like there’s no road map for this compared to other common relationship issues. Like, should we break up because of this or not? I’m pretty sure the way forward is just to take it one day at a time but it’s like I’m holding a ticking time bomb in my mind, worrying about whether and when we will have to break up.
—I am Young and Still Learning How to Live
Dear I Am Young and Still Learning,
It’s interesting to me that he didn’t ask you the same question you asked him. My guess is that, like you, he “kind of thought” you two were on the same page. That is, you assumed he didn’t want kids (because you don’t want them, and people who are young and still learning often make the mistake of assuming that those close to us share the same hopes and dreams, needs, and opinions); he assumed you did (probably for the same reason, but also—I suspect—because you’re a woman, and we live in a culture that assumes all women want and need to have children). It is even possible that he isn’t as sure as he said he was, that he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.
But good for you for bringing it up. Now have a real conversation with him about this. Level with him. I don’t mean break up with him (that would be an over-reaction—unless he declares that the most important goal in his life is to have kids, and that “eventually” means within two years, and if you’re not sure right now, this is a deal-breaker for him). I just mean tell him that as of now you don’t want kids, but that you recognize that you might change your mind. Ask him if he can live with this uncertainty. The two of you might even want to set a tentative deadline for decision-making.
As to whether you will change your mind as you get older, “Who knows?” is exactly right. No one knows. My best friend and I both felt the way you do when we were 26. I changed my mind (it hit me like a ton of bricks in my mid-30s!); she did not. If you and your beloved are still together a few years from now, it’s possible (again, who knows?) that you’ll be inching closer to a yes. It’s also possible he’ll inch away from yes—especially if his answer to your question was a knee-jerk one, not something he’d ever thought seriously about.
And that ticking time bomb you’re holding? Whether or not you two come to a shared decision, “eventually,” over the question of becoming parents, the possibility of a break-up exists. It exists for every couple. And even if you do part ways, the relationship will not have been for nothing. Love is good for us. It is never a waste of time. Even if you don’t end up spending the rest of your life with your current boyfriend, being in this relationship will have taught you something about love. (Full disclosure: I once broke up with someone over the question of having children—in our case, it was because he wanted six of them and I did not; I wanted one—and I believe it was that relationship, nearly five years long, that readied me for the one I had later, with my husband, to whom I’ve now been married for over 30 years.) Talk to your boyfriend honestly, and encourage him to do the same. It’s the bare minimum requirement for a successful relationship. And then wait and see where you both land over time.
—Michelle
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Source: Slate
