I’m not sure how to tell people they are too fat.

Technology

I’m not sure how to tell people they are too fat.

Slate

May 06, 2023

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

What do I say to two neighbor guys who are overweight? “You don’t miss many meals, do you?” is what I want to say, but that seems rude. Somebody should say something. Also, a family member has a good friend who gets fatter every time I see her. I think it must be bad for her health.

—Not Fat Myself

Dear Not Fat Myself,

I’m not going to reinvent the wheel here, because with even the tiniest bit of curiosity you could disabuse yourself of your outdated, 1980s notions of the relationship between body size and health. Instead I’ll just send you to these two episodes of the podcast Maintenance Phase that will seriously challenge your thinking: 1) The Obesity Epidemic and 2) Is Being Fat Bad For You?

Health and science aside, you absolutely have to get a life. There’s no other way to say it. The desire to criticize people you don’t know about their bodies is a sign of a really troubling approach to the world. You’ve got to figure out what’s going on with you. Is there something bothering you that you’re hoping to distract yourself from? Do you feel the need to insult others in the same way you’ve been insulted in the past? Are you desperate to connect with a community and lacking ideas about how to do it in normal, healthy ways? I’m not sure, but I suggest getting very quiet and asking yourself “What feeling am I hoping to get by making these comments about weight?” Is it a sense of importance? An ego-boost? Connection? Whatever it is, make a plan to find another way to get it.

Got a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it to Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

How do I talk to my husband about his aggressive driving? This week he got into not one, but two fender-benders. He’s upset about the accidents but claims they’re just bad luck, given he’s never had an accident before. But the truth is, I absolutely loathe being in the car with him. I spend the entire drive staring fixedly out my passenger window because if I look out the windshield, I’m constantly worried that we’re about to rear-end someone. He treats every other driver as if they’re an idiot who dares to take up space on his road—flashing his lights, hand gestures, etc. I’ve tried talking to him about it a million times, but it goes nowhere. After the second accident, I attempted to broach the subject (again) and he got incredibly angry that I just “assumed” it was his fault. He’s otherwise a good guy, but this is driving me nuts.

—Driving Me Nuts

Dear Driving Me Nuts,

Right after someone has had a car accident is the wrong time to tell them you think they’re a terrible driver. It’s like scolding someone for being disorganized as they’re all frazzled looking for the keys they’ve lost, or telling someone they need to watch where they’re going when they’ve just fallen down. It’s a sensitive moment.

When you do have this conversation, after your husband is over being upset about the accidents, put the focus on your own experience, and point to concrete things he’s doing that make it scary or stressful for you to ride in the car with him. So not “You drive like a bat out of hell, you’re going to keep having accidents, you maniac!” but “I get really stressed when you flash your lights at people and give them the finger. Can you please not do that while I’m in the passenger seat?”

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Dear Prudence,

I am writing out of desperation after years of dealing with my abusive and mentally-ill younger brother. He is nearly 17 years old, but has been using drugs and alcohol since the age of 12 or 13.

If this were simply a substance use problem, we would have gotten him treatment for that. However, he has oppositional defiant disorder and severe depression underlying the substance use, meaning that he has no desire or motivation to change. I’ve practically given up trying to have meaningful conversation with him because any hopeful outcomes from our conversations last around 20 seconds before they are crushed once again by his abusive and destructive behavior. I personally feel that distancing myself and removing myself entirely from my home environment has been the most effective way to manage my feelings of anxiety and frustration surrounding his behavioral issues.

I have honestly lost most of my hope that I had for him to get better, so I am writing to you more for advice on how you recommend I set boundaries surrounding my relationships with him and my parents. My mom, in all her loving motherly tendencies, is one of the most enabling people I know—at this point she will take him to dispensaries and has picked him up as soon as he asked to leave a treatment center multiple times. It is overwhelming to be around and deal with this repetitive cycle of hopelessness. My mother traps herself in this, refuses to see a therapist or get help personally, and vents to me about everything. My brother and I were close for a while because I was the kindest and most encouraging member of the family, but I can no longer keep that up with his relentless problem-causing and the physical and mental injuries he has caused my family members and myself. How do I remove myself from this toxic family situation without being a complete bitch and while hopefully holding on to the positive aspects of my current family relationships?

—Peacemaker Turned Resentful

Dear Resentful,

Buried deep in your letter, you answered your own question: “I personally feel that distancing myself and removing myself entirely from my home environment has been the most effective way to manage my feelings of anxiety and frustration surrounding his behavioral issues.” That’s it. That’s what you do. It doesn’t have to be forever. And being “a complete bitch” is subjective. Often, when you decide you don’t want to be mistreated anymore, someone will use that label for you. But who cares? What’s more important is that you’re not abused and feeling miserable. Unfortunately, no one (definitely not your brother or mother) is going to make your well-being a priority or affirm your choice to protect yourself, so you just have to do it. When you do, you’ll be happier, stronger, more confident, less frustrated, and in a better position to carve out a relationship with your mother that doesn’t center on your brother. As a start try: “Mom, I’d love to go for a walk and catch up. How do you feel about updating me on my brother for the first five minutes or so and then switching to another topic? I know you have a lot on your plate, but I want to make sure we enjoy each other’s company and have a relationship outside of the frustration of dealing with him.”

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Slate

Our sweet, funny, VERY sensitive just-turned 4-year-old daughter loves animals—and is right on the verge of figuring out where the meat we eat comes from. To be clear, we have never deliberately hidden this from her, but she has never expressly asked about it, and there’s no good way to randomly segue into “By the way, your dinner used to be alive.” She avoids eating chicken and turkey, and we’ve realized this might be because they’re called “chicken” and “turkey.” She does eat (with great joy) meats that don’t have the same name as their source animals, such as bacon, steak, and pot roast, but it’s clear from her comments that she doesn’t have a lock on what they’re made of. At some point soon, the jig will surely be up, and it is not unlikely there will be a lot of tears, some deep existential horror, and feelings of betrayal directed at us…

Source: Slate

I’m not sure how to tell people they are too fat.

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