Carolyn Hax: Spouse still rehashing the past after parent’s death
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Adapted from an online discussion. Hi Carolyn: My spouse is going through some difficult times: sudden terminal illness and subsequent death of a parent, other parent facing some long-term but not terminal illness. We both have professional jobs and three minor children. Spouse’s job is more high-pressure than mine, and we have always divided the labor so that I take on more household work.
During the past few weeks, I have taken all household needs off spouse’s plate completely, to allow them to focus on their needs and impending loss. I’ve been trying to follow your rule of dumping outward, but because I’ve been so busy and physically isolated, I’ve just been plowing through alone — i.e., I haven’t had anyone to dump out to.
Here is my trouble: Spouse cannot stop rehashing the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I find myself exhausted and am losing patience. What sort of script can I use to let my spouse know that I want to be there for them, but that trying to rehash the same issue, with the same sad set of circumstances, for the fifth time in as many days, with no difference in the outcome, is just too much for me?
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— Coulda Woulda Shoulda
Coulda Woulda Shoulda: Your spouse can dump farther out, too, such as with counseling or a grief support group. Or both, because grief support is more accessible, which means you can set it up now, proactively, while your spouse waits for the longer process of setting up individual therapy.
A script for this step: “You have been through some unimaginable things, and I want to keep helping you through it. I worry, though, that you’re stuck, and I’m not qualified to get you unstuck. With your permission, I want to look for a grief support group for you.” See whether they’re open to this or more. If not, then insist, and hire out any “household needs” you can afford to.
Readers’ thoughts:
· And please take care of yourself. You are taking on a lot, for who knows how long. Whether it’s self-care, yoga/meditation, exercise, therapy, etc. Don’t hesitate to get child care if you need to do this. Your family also deserves to have one sane, healthy parent at all times.
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· It’s possible that removing “all” the demands of daily life is not helping. Unfettered time to focus on loss isn’t necessarily a gift. The momentum of daily life is part of what keeps many of us grounded and moving forward, even in the face of loss and grief.
· As someone who lost an elderly parent about 18 months ago, I can say that the coulda, woulda, shouldas are just like that and pop up irrationally every now and then. I know that logically there wasn’t more I could do, and most days it’s fine. But sometimes something triggers a memory and I think, “Oh, maybe I could have …”
· A friend who is also a therapist assured me that this is a normal part of grieving. So your partner is normal, and is grieving. And yes, maybe therapy will help.
· Seconding Carolyn’s advice, and also wondering whether some other support would be helpful for the letter-writer and the children. Although these are the spouse’s parents, they are/were also grandparents to the children, in-laws to the spouse — such that maybe some focus on how to handle the whole family’s grief is in order.
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Source: The Washington Post
